Thursday, August 26, 2010
So, I just read a horror story about my future employers. It is from someone who had an extremely horrible experience working there. I am really scared, nervous and rethinking my decision to work overseas. My experience has been pretty shaky up till now, and this just makes me want to not go at all. I do not even have words to express how freaked out I am right now.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
I started packing my clothes up. In my luggage. And I am having a very strong reaction to...this. My aunt offered to run a garage sale by herself while I am at work on Thursday, and I got really defensive. I mean, who wants to sell their stuff, the stuff that they have kept around for years and years. The stuff that has been catalogued in the back of my mind. The stuff that has been saved a special place for "later". Seeing the tiny space that I have been restricted to finagling my life into has made me want to crawl into a warm American apple pie and play baseball while setting off fireworks. Well, really, I just want someone to hold my hand for me. Someone else to tell me what should go into my luggage and what I can leave behind. Someone else to take the responsibility and the feelings of getting rid of my beloved objects. Someone else to take all the discomfort and scariness of moving to Russia until the homesickness and disorientation have been trudged through.
Though, thinking about it now, imagining waking up tomorrow in the middle of my new Russian life would be a horror. Imagine it-I would wake up in a strange bed, in a strange room, with strange sounds only to continue along my surreal day fumbling and dumbstruck. No, we need this slow compression of days in order to truly feel the rush of change and to overcome it. Otherwise, healing decompression would be replaced by the sharp jab of discontinuity. So, bring it on time, you cold, unyielding bastard!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
When I started this program, the only thing I had in mind was to get out of my dead-end job at Borders that I had been working at for about 7 years then and to get the hell out of Ohio, which is an implication of dead-endness in itself.
Tonight was the worst drive home from Kent that I have had to do. I cried the whole time home, not just because I had to say goodbye to Kellie, but for all the people that I have had to say goodbye to for the last two years. I never thought that I would be touched by so many people that breezed through my life, but I start to remember every person who has come into my life and made an impression, no matter how small. This makes me realize that one of the smallest, yet most powerful ways that you can touch a person in their lifetime is to be kind to them, even in the tiniest way: a smile, sharing culture, staying with that person no matter how bad they hurt you or how long it has been since you've seen them. There are so many ways that people have touched me in these last two years. Now that I am leaving, I am infinitely sad to have had to say goodbye to my friends.
I thought of making a list of everyone, but it would be too long. So, I think that you all know who you are: Kent friends, Borders friends, and my relatives. I miss those of you who have gone and already miss those of you who I will have to leave behind.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Well, so far I am waiting to receive my letter of invitation so that I can finally apply for my visa. It will certainly be a rush job, considering that I am supposed to leave on Sept. 9th. I have already had to change my flight date from Sept. 5th so I would have more time for my visa. Sigh, this has been one really strange summer. Now that it is almost time for me to leave, I'm finding my days and nights to be full of angst, waiting, stress, headaches, anticipation of loss. Sometimes I think about those first steps that I will have to take alone once I get in the airport, and almost cry. Even though I need to leave this catharsis ridden state, doing so also means leaving behind a lot of people that I've come to love and will miss greatly.
Trying to work on packing my stuff up-seeing what I need to get rid of and what I want to take. Two suitcases does not seem like much of anything to be taking to be starting a life in another country. :(